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This article is written to provide parents
with a brief overview on practical solutions and techniques for dealing with
common behavior problems in their children. Parents are encouraged to
utilize the resources cited for more information.
Helping children grow mentally healthy and
socially responsible
The National Association of
School Psychologists (NASP) believes that the following parenting practices
help children to grow up mentally healthy and socially responsible, and
prevent problem behaviors (http://www.nasponline.org/about_nasp/pospaper_parent.aspx
):
- Develop a trusting
relationship between parents and children in which parents protect their
children from harm, while still holding them responsible for the
consequences of their own behavior.
- Develop appropriate
expectations for children (e.g. appropriate for their age and
developmental level), and believe that they can live up to those
expectations.
- Setting
developmentally appropriate limits with children which are consistently
enforced, and in which there are clear, appropriate and consistent
consequences for challenging limits. This can increase a child’s sense
that the world is a “safe, predictable and orderly” place, and teaches
children that there are rules to follow and consequences when rules are
broken.
- Offering encouragement
and recognition. Supporting children’s efforts and recognizing their
positive behaviors will increase these behaviors. Planning, problem
solving, discipline, positive action, self-restraint, and accomplishment
are the basis for effective behavior management and should be abundantly
encouraged and recognized by parents.
Reasons why parents may have difficulties
effectively discipline their children
When first trying to
determine why children behave and misbehave and don’t seem to “respond” to
discipline efforts by parents, it’s often helpful for parents to look within
themselves first to see which characteristics they have that may be
contributing to behavior difficulties in their children. According to Clark
(2008), there are number of reasons why parents don’t effectively discipline
their children.
First, the “hopeless
parent” is one who may think, “My child is unable to change and will always
behave poorly, so why try to discipline them.” Second, the “non-confronting
parent” is one who avoids confrontation with their child, and may think that
if they place too many demands on the child, they may loose the child’s
love. Third, the “low energy parent” is one who, does not have the energy
to effectively discipline their child. This may be due to a number of
reasons including being a single parent, holding a full time job, having
many other obligations or other reasons such as depression. Fourth, the
“Guilty parent” is one who blames themselves for child’s problems and thus
tends to feel guilt when attempting to discipline the child. Fifth, the
“angry parent” is one who gets so angry and upset when disciplining their
child that they feel awful afterwards and therefore avoid it entirely.
Sixth, the “hindered parent” is one who dies not have clear communication
and goals with their spouse and is “hindered” by the spouse when attempting
to discipline the child. Finally, the “troubled parent” is one who has
difficulties finding the energy or time to effectively discipline their
children due to numerous difficult life situations such as marital problems,
financial problems, other life situations, etc.
Any of these
characteristics can cause parents to have significant difficulties in
effectively disciplining their children, and many parents will feel one or
more of these ways at different times during the child’s development.
However, with some simple changes in the way that parent’s approach
children’s behavior problems, there can be success in their ability to
successfully discipline their children.
Six ways of increasing good behavior
Most behavior, whether good
or bad, is shaped by specific antecedents in the environment (e.g. what
comes before or “triggers” a behavior) as well as the consequences that
follow a behavior. By manipulating the antecedents or consequences of a
given behavior, parents are often able to change behaviors their children
may exhibit. Specifically, Clark (2008) provides six ways if increasing
good behavior.
- Active ignoring:
This is briefly removing all attention from your misbehaving
child. Often times the child is misbehaving for attention from the
parents, and by removing the attention given, you are not giving them
the motivation for the behavior. This is particularly helpful for
whining and fussing, pouting and sulking, loud crying to manipulate
parents, demanding, and mild temper tantrums.
- Reward good
alternative behavior: One way to increase good behavior is to reward
it every time it occurs. This technique is called “catching them being
good” and by praising them for behaving appropriately (rather than just
punishing them when behaving badly) you are increasing the chances that
the child will engage in the good behaviors again in the future.
- Help your child to
practice good behavior: This technique involves teaching children
the right way to do something, by demonstrating the skill yourself and
then having the child practice. For example, if your child grabs toys
away from another child, tell them to trade toys instead, then
demonstrate trading the toy yourself and help them actually practice
this skill.
- Use “grandma’s rule:”
This involves pairing an undesirable behavior with a desirable
behavior. So for example, “you have to finish your vegetables and then
you can have dessert…” or “you have to complete 5 more math problems,
and then you can play video games.”
- Set a good example:
Parent’s constantly demonstrate or “model” behavior which their children
observe. Your children will learn to behave (and misbehave) by
observing and imitating your behavior. Therefore, do not engage in
behaviors that you do not want your child to do (e.g. cursing, fighting,
etc).
- Encourage and
praise good behavior: Any behavior that is rewarded (i.e. praised)
is more likely to be repeated in the future. Therefore, it’s important
to praise children when they make good choices and behavior
appropriately.
Nine Steps to Effective Parenting
A helpful article on Kids
Health suggests nine steps to more effective parenting, that all parents can
implement during their everyday lives. (http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family
/nine_steps.html)
1:
Nurture your child's self-esteem.
Children start developing
their sense of self as babies when they see themselves through their
parents' eyes. Your tone of voice, your body language, and your every
expression are absorbed by your child. Your words and actions as a parent
affect your child's developing self-esteem more than anything else. Praising
your child's accomplishments, however small, will make him or her feel
proud; letting your child do things independently will make him or her feel
capable and strong. By contrast, belittling comments or comparing your child
unfavorably with another will make him or her feel worthless. Avoid making
loaded statements or using words as weapons. Comments like "What a stupid
thing to do!" or "You act more like a baby than your little brother!" cause
damage just as physical blows do. Choose your words carefully and be
compassionate. Let your child know that everyone makes mistakes and that you
still love him or her, even when you don't love his or her behavior.
2. Catch your child being good.
Have you ever stopped to
think about how many times you react negatively to your child in a given
day? You may find that you are criticizing far more than you are
complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you with that
much negative guidance, even if it was well-intentioned? The more effective
approach is to catch your child doing something right: "You made your bed
without being asked - that's terrific!" or "I was watching you play with
your sister and you were very patient." These statements will do more to
encourage good behavior over the long run than repeated scoldings. Make a
point of finding something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards -
your love, hugs, and compliments can work wonders and are often reward
enough. Soon you will find you are "growing" more of the behavior you would
like to see.
3. Set limits and be consistent with your
discipline.
Discipline is necessary in
every household. The goal of discipline is to help children choose
acceptable behaviors and learn self-control. Children may test the limits
you establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible
adults. Establishing house rules will help children understand your
expectations and develop self-control. Some house rules might include: no TV
until homework is done, and no hitting, name-calling, or hurtful teasing is
allowed.
You may want to have a
system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a "time out"
or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents make is failure to follow
through with consequences when rules are broken. You can't discipline a
child for talking back one day and ignore it the next. Being consistent
teaches your child what you expect.
4. Make time for your children.
With so many demands on
your time, it's often difficult for parents and children to get together for
a family meal, let alone spend some quality time together. But there is
probably nothing your child would like more. Get up 10 minutes earlier in
the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child, or leave the dishes in
the sink and take a walk after dinner. Children who are not getting the
attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because
they are assured of being noticed that way. Many parents find it mutually
rewarding to have prescheduled time with their child on a regular basis.
Create a "special night" each week to be together and let him or her help
decide how you will spend your time. Look for other ways to connect with
your child - put a note or something special in his or her lunchbox.
Adolescents seem to need
less undivided attention from their parents than younger children. Because
there are fewer windows of opportunity for parents and teens to get
together, parents should do their best to be available when their teen does
express a desire to talk or participate in family activities. Attending
concerts, games, and other events with your teen communicates caring and
lets you get to know about your child and his or her friends in important
ways.
Don't feel guilty if you're
a working parent. It is the many little things you do with your child -
making popcorn, playing cards, window shopping - that he or she will
remember.
5. Be a good role model.
Young children learn a
great deal about how to act by watching you. The younger they are, the more
cues they take from you. Before you lash out or blow your top in front of
your child, think about this: is that how you want your child to behave when
he or she is angry? Be constantly aware that you are being observed by your
children. Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a role model
for aggression at home. Model the traits you wish to cultivate in your
child: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit
unselfish behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward.
Express thanks and offer compliments. Above all, treat your children the way
you expect other people to treat you.
6. Make communication a priority.
You can't expect children
to do everything simply because you, as a parent, "say so." Children want
and deserve explanations as much as adults do. If we don't take time to
explain, children will begin to wonder about our values and motives and
whether they have any basis. Parents who reason with their children allow
them to understand and learn in a nonjudgmental way.
Make your expectations
clear. If there is a problem, describe it to your child, express your
feelings about it, and invite your child to work on a solution with you. Be
sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choices. Be open to
your child's suggestions as well. Negotiate. Children who participate in
decisions are more motivated to carry them out.
7. Be flexible and willing to adjust your
parenting style.
If you frequently feel "let
down" by your child's behavior, it may be because you have unrealistic
expectations. Parents who think in "shoulds" (for example, "He or she
should be potty-trained by now") may find it helpful to do
more reading on the matter or to talk to other parents or child development
specialists. Your child's environment has an impact on his or her behavior,
so you may be able to modify that behavior by changing the environment. If
you find yourself constantly saying "no" to your 2-year-old, look for ways
to restructure his or her surroundings so that fewer things are off-limits.
This will cause less frustration for both of you. As your child changes,
you will gradually have to change your parenting style. Chances are, what
works with your child now won't work as well in a year or two. Teenagers
tend to look less to their parents and more to their peers for role models.
But continue to provide guidance, encouragement, and appropriate discipline
while allowing your teen to earn more independence. And seize every
available moment to make a connection!
8. Show that your love is unconditional.
As a parent, you are
responsible for correcting and guiding your child. But how you express your
corrective guidance makes all the difference in how your child receives it.
When you have to confront your child, avoid blaming, criticizing, or
fault-finding, which undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment.
Instead, strive to nurture and encourage, even when you are disciplining
your child. Make sure he or she knows that although you want and expect
better next time, your love is there no matter what.
9. Be aware of your own needs and
limitations as a parent.
Face it – there are times
when you are an imperfect parent. You have strengths and weaknesses as a
family leader. Recognize your abilities - "I am loving and dedicated." Vow
to work on your weaknesses - "I need to be more consistent with discipline."
Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your
children. You don't have to have all the answers - be forgiving of yourself.
And try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the
most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once. Admit
it when you're burned out. Take time out from parenting to do things that
will make you happy as a person (or as a couple). Focusing on your needs
does not make you selfish. It simply means you care about your own
well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.
Raising children today is
not an easy job. Parents often have many different responsibilities, and
balancing the demands of life, work, school and family can be a daunting
task. However, with the above suggestions in mind, most parents will be
able to effectively increase their child’s good behaviors and decrease
negative behaviors. As noted above, setting clear and consistent limits and
rules, informing children of what will be expected of them, as well as
consistency and follow through with a punishment or loss of privileges when
rules are broken are essential parts of effectively disciplining children.
Further information on parenting can be gained from the resources listed
below. In addition, there are many professionals and organizations within
the school who are available to provide support and information, including
the PTA, SEPTA as well as mental health staff within the schools, such as
School Psychologists, School Social Workers and Guidance Counselors.
References
Clark, L. (2008). SOS for
parents: A practical guide for handling common everyday behavior
problems, 3rd edition. SOS Programs & Parents Press: Bowling
Green: KY.
Kids Health (2008). Nine
Steps to More Effective Parenting. Retrieved from:
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/nine_steps.html
National Association of
School Psychologists (2006). Position Statement on Effective Parenting:
Positive Support for Families. Retrieved from:
http://www.nasponline.org/about_nasp/pospaper_parent.aspx |