“Oh my God, Melissa, your senior year is going to be the best year of high school.”
-All of my
Family Members, Ever.
As Donald Trump would say, “WRONG.” Ever since I entered high school, I imagined that all of my hard work, sleepless nights, mental breakdowns and tests upon tests would be rewarded with an acceptance to college and a carefree senior year.
The
college aspect is true, as I couldn’t be more excited to attend the University
of Maryland in the fall, but “carefree” wouldn’t quite be the word I would use
to describe my feelings regarding the workload and the stress of this year.
Perhaps “taxing” and
“agonizing” would be better suited to describe my current emotions.
I
decided at the beginning of junior year that I would take IB and college
classes, believing that I would have motivation to work hard and do well just
like I had done all throughout high school. I remember secretly judging some of
the seniors in my pre-calculus class last year, who were lamenting over their
workload and about how much they were over high school.
“I’m
never going to be like that,” I said to myself. “I’m never going to want to
slack off, I’m never going to lose motivation and I’m certainly not going to be
okay if my grades drop, even if my classes get harder.”
I
am now feeling the lack of motivation.
In
essence, I am burnt out.
Instead
of coming to class as I used to, bright-eyed and willing to learn, I can’t
count the number of times I instead wish to be home watching “My 600 Pound
Life.” In the morning, I skip my makeup routine of winged eyeliner and a
blinding Jeffree Star highlight just to lay in bed and arrive to school looking
like I am fresh from the landfill.
My
motivation has hit an all-time low, yet my workload has hit an all-time high.
When I have multiple projects, five tests in a day and homework from the time I
get home until the early hours of the morning in conjunction with all of my
extra-curricular and personal responsibilities, I feel my mental health
deteriorate.
I
have broken down in tears in the school bathroom, in my bed and especially when
I’m sitting at a computer and looking at the enormity of my workload.
Oftentimes,
I ask myself why I’m suddenly so unmotivated, so exhausted, and feel so
profoundly duped about what senior year would constitute. I arrive at “you’ve already started the next
phase of your life; it’s time for this chapter to close.” And I think that in
some ways, I’m right. I have already been accepted to college, I have chosen a
roommate (hey Alice!) and I have determined what I want to study. If I plan to
be a neurobiology/physiology major, how is my extremely difficult calculus
class helping me out right now?
I’m
ready to be on my own, free of academic boundaries and 6 a.m. mornings. I’m
tired of doing schoolwork from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed—
especially if it’s not pertinent to my desired path of education. I am tired of
the monotony of each and every day. I’m just tired.
As
far as feeling misled about how difficult senior year would be, I blame this on
the fact that oftentimes, the people who have told me that this year would be a
cakewalk came from a different generation than me, one whose seniors did not
take any IB or college classes. Maybe they just don’t remember how challenging
it was for them.
Maybe
I was influenced by the media. Movies like “High School Musical” and “Mean
Girls” definitely helped to shape my image of what high school would be like
when I was younger. I should have gotten the hint that if we weren’t singing
and dancing to choreographed routines on top of lunch tables, maybe the heavily
social and less academic aspects of high school seen in the movies were
over-exaggerated, too.
I
must make it clear, though, to my amazing teachers, that I am aware of the fact
that the workload and the stress level that some of us possess is not
intentional, but is rather a circumstantial event, made up of not only school,
but also extracurricular-borne pressures.
I
feel grateful to have had the opportunity to receive a wonderful education here
at Commack, and as a result, I will be sure to make my teachers and myself
proud by keeping up with my work and trying my best, no matter how much I want
to watch “My 600 Pound Life.”
To
the underclassmen, I realize that this rant may have stressed you out a little
bit about your future in high school. It is a wonderful thing to challenge
yourself, and Commack has so many caring and qualified teachers to help you
reach your goals, not just in high school, but in the rest of your life.
However, my advice to you is that you must always put your health first, both
physically and mentally, no matter how much you want to push yourself. Always
try and do things you want to do, and have fun in addition to keeping up with
your academics. It’s so important for your sense of happiness.
I’ll keep ranting on my finsta about how stressed out I am and how senior year has been the hardest year of school for me, for now. But I have my eye on June 22nd, when we move our tassels from the right to the left and graduate into the next phase of our lives.l
Melissa D.
Published June 2018